Doo Dah, Doo Dah

Friday I came home from work, made muy scrumptious beef taquitos, and settled in for an episode of my favorite show, which those of you who read this blog know is INTERVENTION. Tonight we had Ashley, a pierced and tatted daughter of a preacher who was 20 with a 2 year old son, a 47 year old boyfriend with whom she shared a revoltingly filthy trailer, and an all day meth shooting habit. She calls herself a "catch" at one point. Ash doesn't care enough about herself to go to rehab, so the interventionist convinces her to go for her son, who is super cute and loves his mommy even though she left a meth rock on the bathroom floor for him to maybe find and put in his 2 year old mouth. She completes 105 days of treatment but I guess isn't ready to be a mom quite yet bc she stays in the state the rehab is in. But she remains sober to this day. Mazel! One more taquito and off to read a book and hit the hay.
Saturday I went, like poster Matt, to the Belmont Racetrack. What has two thumbs and can bet on horses? This Guy! I had to convince Meg to buy a racing form, and take the time to study it instead of just betting willy nilly on any filly. Well. In all races that day except one, I bet 3 horses to show, and two out of three came in. I celebrated this by waiting in the bathroom line all day. You gotta not drink at the races bc you are in that bathroom line FOREVER. In fact, this is how your time is broken down: The race happens and it is like an orgasm. You work at it, you wait, time passes and then finally you have twelve seconds of pleasure and it's over. Now you have to wait to get it back up, start the foreplay again, etc. Then after all that buildup, an orgasm again. Each time a race is over you have to do five things. Pee, pick a new horse (s), place a bet & collect your earnings, get food, and get another drink to absolutely ensure you get to spend more time in the bathroom line. Also, if you are me you get another job to do. The lady behind the window, Sandra, who was our girl all day, actually sent us to get her a Coke and a pretzel since they don't let the tellers or whatever you call them up out of their seats all day. I didn't mind, she was nice and kept explaining the same betting principles over and over to my drunk ass.
After the races we took four thousand trains to the Bohemian Beer Garden in Astoria. I don't know if this place is for me. It's packed to the walls first of all, and everyone is yuuung and hiiip, except for the fratty types who I also turn my nose up at. In one corner, Flip Cup. In another corner, Beer Pong. On another table, Quarters. But the be all end all was this tableau: while innocently drinking away and sneaking beer out of other people's pitchers, suddenly we heard a loud cracking sound. All heads swiveled in the same direction. What we all saw was a guy bent over the picnic bench being held still by some girl, while her friend whipped this guy across his tushie with her leather belt. Why? A security guard approached to squash this but the whipper was winding up to smack the sub again and the guard had to rotate his neck backwards to narrowly avoid being struck in the face by this errant freakout chick. It gets worse. Minutes later, after the group defiantly laughed at the guard, the loser pulls his pants down partially and hangs it out like that for a while to show the whole garden the welts on his ass. More minutes later, we hear it again and we see he has now removed his pants and knickers entirely and is getting his ass bare whipped by this circus ho. WHY? We were all traumatized. Leave your gross fetish at home, son. Don't put it on me! They were so rude to the guards who were trying to chill them out, the girls were skanks, and I couldn't help but wonder what that guy's problem was that he chose to act out like this, or if he was just so very drunk and would be horrified to hear later on what he did while 3 california king size sheets to the wind. Hours later, after meeting my friend's ex-bf who was both a drummer and a plumber, I arrived home to tuck myself into bed because I had another big fun day planned for Sunday which I will continue with later bc I have spewed enough for now. Check back soon!

Nicole