J. Fruit Says...

This weekend I went down to the Red Neck Riviera, which I chastised my friend who made the arrangements for calling it that--I know better now. (But she was calling it that while we were out in public there! I convinced her to call it RNR so we wouldn't get lynched. We are brown people after all.) It was a great time though because it's always fun hanging out with friends you don't get to see all the time, no? Anyway, the hotel and beach were nice enough but we could've gotten that anywhere between the Jersey Shore down. The big detraction were the people. First of all, it was a little too family friendly, which in-and-of-itself is not so bad. But coupled with BIG dirty south folk it was not a pretty sight. I don't want to get into the saggy-flabby-folds-of-fat-camel-toe descriptions but take my word for it--it was not a pretty sight. Jumping to the night life, it was a little scary when we are transported back in time by the music (there was only 1 song that they played that was from this year!!!). More frightening still was, at some point in the night, these boys swarmed my girlfriends (2) and start to grind up on them like monkeys in heat. Juliana comes close and tells me to stay close because she doesn't want to be accosted--as if I'm going to throw my faggotty ass down for her! But I play along because I feel safer with her near. One of the violated women tells her "guy" that we're going for a drink. To which he responds, "I can't drink." Meaning he's under 21 (they're allowed down there). Anyway, we don't stay much longer but get a good laugh out of it after we leave. On the way back to the hotel, I ask the cabbie where the gay bars are. The next night after dinner, I go on a scouting trip with my friend to check out the bars that the cabbie mentioned, Time Out and Rainbow House. One was even scarier than what I witnessed the night before (you needed to be buzzed in a door to an almost empty bar) and the other was either for girls or girls night. I drag the girls out to the third bar, Club Hushh, that was closest to the hotel. There were all of 10 people there when we arrived at 11PM. It was divey as I could imagine (but they set up the speakers so that you couldn't hear music from the other room if you were in the other). The drag queens chose the wrong songs to perform to but otherwise it was alright. (I'm not super into drag.) The standout moments were the shot guy giving me a lap dance (that he made some other guy pay for) when I told him that I couldn't buy his shots because I'm allergic to pineapple juice and the bar brawl. Oh yeah, and the drug deal that went down in the bathroom. We were a little too nonplussed by it but of course I had to dig for the dirt behind the fight. They seemed to be ex-lovers where one had broken the windshield of the other a couple of weeks prior. Now, give me my "Dawson's Creek" and "One Tree Hill" dirt!!!